In chemistry this week we've been looking at Equilibrium in reactions. An equilibrium reaction is one that acts in both directions until a point where both the forward and backward reactions are equal (until an 'Equilibrium' is achieved). Certain factors can affect equilibrium such as temperature, pressure or concentration that cause the equilibrium to shift to counteract the change it experiences (this, as a side note, is called Chatalier's Principle). One thing that rung with me, in my strange quest to compare my life or the events in it to whatever I can in a strange metaphor, was the action of pressure on an equilibrium reaction. When you increase the pressure on one side of an equilibrium reaction, it causes the equilibrium to shift and (in the example we were doing) more product from the reaction is formed.
My life lately seems to be increasing in pressure. The workload that I have never stops increasing, the demands of my work are becoming greater as time runs short to exams and concepts for work aren't clicking into place, there's drama among my friends at times and, recently, my boyfriend's been kicked out of college so it's going to become an effort on both sides to see each other. So all of this is having an emotional impact on me and, honestly, the other day I was prepared to just give up and drop everything because I'd had enough. Enough of college, enough of a life where I seem to do nothing but work, I wanted out.
Somewhere in my head, though, I knew better. As much as I wanted out, as much as I knew I wanted to just drop everything, I knew that this was just a part of what I had to go through to get to where I want to be in life. Sometimes the road in life is difficult and there'll be a lot of times where you just want to give in and go in a different, easier direction. As easy as that direction might be, though, it might not be the one that'll lead you to your dreams. If I had quit college then I would've been very, very, VERY unlikely to ever achieve my dreams of Medicine. So, if for no other reason than that aspiration, I decided to grit my teeth, whine, bitch and moan all I liked but, ultimately, just get on with it.
How does that relate in the slightest to equilibrium and pressure, you ask? Well, for me, to do what I had to do, I had to shift the equilibrium in my life. Lately I've been putting in a decent amount of effort into everything and getting a decent amount back, but lately (and for the next few months, thanks to exams) I'm going to have to put in a hell of a lot more effort to see minimal instant rewards. I'm going to have to shift the equilibrium of my life in order to cope with what I'm doing and be happy. It won't be easy, I'm not under any illusion that it will be, but bolster on I shall until I reach my dynamic equilibrium and I'm getting as good as I'm giving. When that day comes, I'm sure that all of my hard work will have been well worth it and I'm sure that can go for everyone if you persevere for long enough at something you really want.
Friday, 1 April 2011
Monday, 14 March 2011
'I Love You'
Three small words. I - To mean oneself. You - To mean someone other than oneself. Love - This is where it gets complicated.
In life you'll experience a lot of love in a lot of different ways. Love of objects (e.g. food, tv, film, books), love of friends, love of family, love of situations or feelings. The most difficult or awkward love to come across is the kind that has been written about for centuries, distilled through the years into plays, songs, art, sculpture: The romantic feeling of love towards a single person.
In my experience thus far (my rather limited experience, I feel I should point out) I've come to find that each one of my relationships has made me feel differently both at the time and afterwards when I look back upon them. The reasons why we love can be dependent entirely on the circumstances in our lives at the time. For me, perhaps a motivating reason is the fact that there are so very few people that I can love, up until late high school there really were no options or choices for me. So it's always on my mind that I may end up being in a relationship purely because I can...I don't doubt for a moment that I may have done this at some point.
The turning point in this methodology is college. I've yet to be at college a whole year but already I've found a surprising amount of interest expressed towards me, more than I was comfortable with at times. Naturally I dealt with it, though, and I became used to the situations I found myself in and, after a time, I found myself in a relationship with someone that I've liked for a longer time than he probably realises.
It's officially been a month today. Things are going well, nothing tremendously ground breaking has happened, I think things are nice though. I've never properly taken things slow before but I'm enjoying it, it's making me appreciate the relationship a lot more. That aside, though, the feelings that I have towards him are starting to mount up to the point where I think I want to say the titular statement of this post. We've said it multiple times when once drunk (hardly counts) and we've said it in Japanese (doesn't really count) but the difficulty I face is saying it in English when sober...and it's not because I can't say it, the part that I'm worried about is: Should I say it?
Perhaps I'm scared to say it, perhaps I'm just worried it's too soon, but there's a part of me that's holding back from saying those words to him because I don't want to scare him off. Maybe that's silly of me to think, maybe it's more likely that he'll not say it back, how am I to know?
All I know at the minute is that we both feel strongly for each other and we both have felt for each other for some time, though after a month does that really merit 'I love you'? Is it really a month though? Obviously I can't speak for him, but I know that I've had feelings for him since September, so does it count as six months for me? If that's then the case then it would count as seven months for me but only...two (maybe) for him? So am I ready before him?
Confusion. I'm confused. For once I think this is a situation that I can't really draw a clear conclusion to. Given how pretty much everything I've based my points on is based on pure feeling or speculation about another person's feelings, maybe the best course of action is to just take things as they come until an answer presents itself. Surely, in time, things will become more clear and I'll have my answer. Whether that answer is good or bad, is unknown, but I know which of the two I would prefer if given the choice.
-Aiden
In life you'll experience a lot of love in a lot of different ways. Love of objects (e.g. food, tv, film, books), love of friends, love of family, love of situations or feelings. The most difficult or awkward love to come across is the kind that has been written about for centuries, distilled through the years into plays, songs, art, sculpture: The romantic feeling of love towards a single person.
In my experience thus far (my rather limited experience, I feel I should point out) I've come to find that each one of my relationships has made me feel differently both at the time and afterwards when I look back upon them. The reasons why we love can be dependent entirely on the circumstances in our lives at the time. For me, perhaps a motivating reason is the fact that there are so very few people that I can love, up until late high school there really were no options or choices for me. So it's always on my mind that I may end up being in a relationship purely because I can...I don't doubt for a moment that I may have done this at some point.
The turning point in this methodology is college. I've yet to be at college a whole year but already I've found a surprising amount of interest expressed towards me, more than I was comfortable with at times. Naturally I dealt with it, though, and I became used to the situations I found myself in and, after a time, I found myself in a relationship with someone that I've liked for a longer time than he probably realises.
It's officially been a month today. Things are going well, nothing tremendously ground breaking has happened, I think things are nice though. I've never properly taken things slow before but I'm enjoying it, it's making me appreciate the relationship a lot more. That aside, though, the feelings that I have towards him are starting to mount up to the point where I think I want to say the titular statement of this post. We've said it multiple times when once drunk (hardly counts) and we've said it in Japanese (doesn't really count) but the difficulty I face is saying it in English when sober...and it's not because I can't say it, the part that I'm worried about is: Should I say it?
Perhaps I'm scared to say it, perhaps I'm just worried it's too soon, but there's a part of me that's holding back from saying those words to him because I don't want to scare him off. Maybe that's silly of me to think, maybe it's more likely that he'll not say it back, how am I to know?
All I know at the minute is that we both feel strongly for each other and we both have felt for each other for some time, though after a month does that really merit 'I love you'? Is it really a month though? Obviously I can't speak for him, but I know that I've had feelings for him since September, so does it count as six months for me? If that's then the case then it would count as seven months for me but only...two (maybe) for him? So am I ready before him?
Confusion. I'm confused. For once I think this is a situation that I can't really draw a clear conclusion to. Given how pretty much everything I've based my points on is based on pure feeling or speculation about another person's feelings, maybe the best course of action is to just take things as they come until an answer presents itself. Surely, in time, things will become more clear and I'll have my answer. Whether that answer is good or bad, is unknown, but I know which of the two I would prefer if given the choice.
-Aiden
Sunday, 19 September 2010
I've got to admit it's getting better, a little better, all the time
It's not often I'm tempted to use song lyrics as a post title but I've felt it's been necessary for this particular post because of how true it is right now. I'm just (as of tomorrow, really) starting my third week of college and although there are many teething problems and things to get used to I've come to the conclusion tonight that, for the moment at least, things are getting better and they're gonna keep getting that way as long as I play things safe.
In terms of friends, the college environment is one that's proving a challenge to overcome while still maintaining the close circle of friends I had from high school as best as I can and, on another hand (another, not 'the other'), I'm getting to see old friends again that I grew apart from due to the years gap between us. There have been worries, upsets and problems already (the details of which I'll spare for the sake of people involved) but, as far as I'm concerned, that's natural given the almost-3-month holiday and the huge change that college is and I'm willing to work through things as best as I can with them. It's a farce to think that we'll all stay as close as we were in high school, to be brutally honest, because we're not going to see each other half as much in school time. I mean we've all taken different subjects so just by that constraint the amount we see each other is drastically dropped...but despite that I do firmly believe that we'll all stay friends because we have that history of good, close friendship in high school that means that, no matter what happens (barring mass murder), I'll always love them and try to see the best in them. The social scene in college is gonna take some time to get used to, the college itself is taking a lot to get used to, but I'm an adaptable person so I think that'll help me a lot with the transition and coping with things.
Something else that I'll have to cope with (that I think I am doing well at the moment) is the workload. At my college we're currently in an 'Induction Period', though the full definition of that is unknown to me, for the moment the work that I'm doing is coming to me rather easily...which is a good thing really. My current plan/objective is to complete work as soon as I'm set it and to the best of my ability so that I'm not swamped with work. That's worked very well until this weekend when I've neglected two pieces of work for Further Maths and Biology...but they'll be done shortly so that's fine and they're not due in for a while yet. There's no doubt in my mind that once the Induction Period is over that the work will pick up in both intensity and quantity...but I'm willing to struggle and put in whatever effort I need to in order to come out with the grades I need to achieve my ultimate goal: Medicine. The work is fun and interesting though, which may sound bizarre to most people when I now inform you that I've taken Maths, Further Maths, Biology & Chemistry but I really do mean it. The teachers are helpful and fun to be with in lesson, perhaps that stems from the informal college environment, and I'm already working my way into extra-curricular activities like Choir (putting my excessive singing to use) and a Maths Challenge (geeky but I thought I'd go for it) so...as reluctant as I am to say it (for superstitious reasons) I'm really enjoying the work.
The final thing that I considered in my theme of things getting better is something that's been the bane of my extended summer holiday: Money. Keeping figures and names out for my own security, in the next month my income should be almost doubling in amount...which is good news to me because it means I'll be able to get my friends some gifts for their birthdays (I'm still sticking with my plan to make people cookies for christmas though, I think that could be fun!) as well as do things outside of college and have money for me...though some of it will be saved of course, I've got to learn to be responsible now (oh the tragedy, I've got to grow up :P). That's another reason why things have gotten better for me now.
I apologise if this blog post has come across as very boastful and bragging, which I won't deny if it has, but I felt I had to post this because of how negatively I've been looking at things lately and how suddenly they seemed to have turned. So, in a way, this is part of my mental growth to accepting that things are changing, acknowledging that things are changing and thinking ahead at how to handle things. Hopefully it's been a bearable post and hopefuly things carry on how they are for me, I know I'd very much like it if they do!
-Aiden
In terms of friends, the college environment is one that's proving a challenge to overcome while still maintaining the close circle of friends I had from high school as best as I can and, on another hand (another, not 'the other'), I'm getting to see old friends again that I grew apart from due to the years gap between us. There have been worries, upsets and problems already (the details of which I'll spare for the sake of people involved) but, as far as I'm concerned, that's natural given the almost-3-month holiday and the huge change that college is and I'm willing to work through things as best as I can with them. It's a farce to think that we'll all stay as close as we were in high school, to be brutally honest, because we're not going to see each other half as much in school time. I mean we've all taken different subjects so just by that constraint the amount we see each other is drastically dropped...but despite that I do firmly believe that we'll all stay friends because we have that history of good, close friendship in high school that means that, no matter what happens (barring mass murder), I'll always love them and try to see the best in them. The social scene in college is gonna take some time to get used to, the college itself is taking a lot to get used to, but I'm an adaptable person so I think that'll help me a lot with the transition and coping with things.
Something else that I'll have to cope with (that I think I am doing well at the moment) is the workload. At my college we're currently in an 'Induction Period', though the full definition of that is unknown to me, for the moment the work that I'm doing is coming to me rather easily...which is a good thing really. My current plan/objective is to complete work as soon as I'm set it and to the best of my ability so that I'm not swamped with work. That's worked very well until this weekend when I've neglected two pieces of work for Further Maths and Biology...but they'll be done shortly so that's fine and they're not due in for a while yet. There's no doubt in my mind that once the Induction Period is over that the work will pick up in both intensity and quantity...but I'm willing to struggle and put in whatever effort I need to in order to come out with the grades I need to achieve my ultimate goal: Medicine. The work is fun and interesting though, which may sound bizarre to most people when I now inform you that I've taken Maths, Further Maths, Biology & Chemistry but I really do mean it. The teachers are helpful and fun to be with in lesson, perhaps that stems from the informal college environment, and I'm already working my way into extra-curricular activities like Choir (putting my excessive singing to use) and a Maths Challenge (geeky but I thought I'd go for it) so...as reluctant as I am to say it (for superstitious reasons) I'm really enjoying the work.
The final thing that I considered in my theme of things getting better is something that's been the bane of my extended summer holiday: Money. Keeping figures and names out for my own security, in the next month my income should be almost doubling in amount...which is good news to me because it means I'll be able to get my friends some gifts for their birthdays (I'm still sticking with my plan to make people cookies for christmas though, I think that could be fun!) as well as do things outside of college and have money for me...though some of it will be saved of course, I've got to learn to be responsible now (oh the tragedy, I've got to grow up :P). That's another reason why things have gotten better for me now.
I apologise if this blog post has come across as very boastful and bragging, which I won't deny if it has, but I felt I had to post this because of how negatively I've been looking at things lately and how suddenly they seemed to have turned. So, in a way, this is part of my mental growth to accepting that things are changing, acknowledging that things are changing and thinking ahead at how to handle things. Hopefully it's been a bearable post and hopefuly things carry on how they are for me, I know I'd very much like it if they do!
-Aiden
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Wants
Everyone has wants. Things they want, people they want, things they want to do, places they want to go, the list goes on and is limited and created, really, by everyone's own mind. As we get older the things that we want in life get bigger and more expensive even though our wallets or skills may not be able to match them, that's a fact of life that we have to come to terms with in our own ways and that can be vastly different for each person.
For me lately the problem I've found is that I want to do something but I lack, usually, the money to do it but also the time or availability to do it and I feel that this is having some consequences that I had never forseen or expected.
The entire subject of 'wants' revolves around a few things in my life at the moment and one of the particularly worrying things is friends. There are things that my friends want to do as a group that include me that I want to do for many reasons (I haven't seen them in a while, the things they want to do are fun, my friends are fun to be around, I've not been doing much lately etc.) but as much as I want to do them there's one hindering factor to it all: I can't afford it. Well I can afford to do one of the things they want to do, so I am exaggerating slightly, but on the whole I just can't afford to do everything they want to do.
'Get over it' is what one person might say, 'Borrow money from someone' is what another may say. To both of these people I would say 'No'. I refuse to 'get over it' because these people are my friends, they matter and so I shouldn't just brush the problem aside. I refuse to 'Borrow money from someone' because I won't be able to pay it back for a while, it's not fair on who I'm borrowing from and some people may not even be able to lend me money. The fact that I can't do everything I want with my friends is disappointing, that's true, but it's just something that I'll have to deal with because I can't change it. I'm not always going to have the money I want to do the things I want...but that doesn't mean that things will be like that all the time, sometimes I may have more money than I want and be able to do everything I want, it's just unfortunate that this time I don't have the money I want.
Money's a huge factor in things as much as I wish it wasn't...but that's not the worrying thing about this scenario. What's worrying is that as a result of me not being able to go I fear that some friends will think I'm avoiding them or have no interest in them when that could be farther from the truth even though it may not seem like it. The friends I have are amazing and some have been with me for 5 years, it wouldn't make sense to avoid them so of course I'm not doing that. As much as I want to do things with them things just aren't right for me right now and they've been difficult in the holidays otherwise I would've tried to do more.
It's the biggest hope of mine right now that things change once the college term starts because not only will I be out more but I'll have a bus pass again, so travelling around will be a cost I don't have to worry about or compensate for. Unfortunately that's still a very long week away.
If I had to apply anything I've learnt from this scenario to life then I'd probably have to say this:
What you want isn't always in your practical reach...but don't let that get you down because things won't always be that way, just be realistic, know your limits and hope that any people it affects will understand your situation.
Given the number of birthdays and the holiday season coming up in the next few months (Christmas may only be in December but you just know they'll have snowmen out at Halloween) I may not have a lot of money coming my way...but I hope that I still have my friends and I hope that's not a hope that I'm keeping in vain.
-Aiden
For me lately the problem I've found is that I want to do something but I lack, usually, the money to do it but also the time or availability to do it and I feel that this is having some consequences that I had never forseen or expected.
The entire subject of 'wants' revolves around a few things in my life at the moment and one of the particularly worrying things is friends. There are things that my friends want to do as a group that include me that I want to do for many reasons (I haven't seen them in a while, the things they want to do are fun, my friends are fun to be around, I've not been doing much lately etc.) but as much as I want to do them there's one hindering factor to it all: I can't afford it. Well I can afford to do one of the things they want to do, so I am exaggerating slightly, but on the whole I just can't afford to do everything they want to do.
'Get over it' is what one person might say, 'Borrow money from someone' is what another may say. To both of these people I would say 'No'. I refuse to 'get over it' because these people are my friends, they matter and so I shouldn't just brush the problem aside. I refuse to 'Borrow money from someone' because I won't be able to pay it back for a while, it's not fair on who I'm borrowing from and some people may not even be able to lend me money. The fact that I can't do everything I want with my friends is disappointing, that's true, but it's just something that I'll have to deal with because I can't change it. I'm not always going to have the money I want to do the things I want...but that doesn't mean that things will be like that all the time, sometimes I may have more money than I want and be able to do everything I want, it's just unfortunate that this time I don't have the money I want.
Money's a huge factor in things as much as I wish it wasn't...but that's not the worrying thing about this scenario. What's worrying is that as a result of me not being able to go I fear that some friends will think I'm avoiding them or have no interest in them when that could be farther from the truth even though it may not seem like it. The friends I have are amazing and some have been with me for 5 years, it wouldn't make sense to avoid them so of course I'm not doing that. As much as I want to do things with them things just aren't right for me right now and they've been difficult in the holidays otherwise I would've tried to do more.
It's the biggest hope of mine right now that things change once the college term starts because not only will I be out more but I'll have a bus pass again, so travelling around will be a cost I don't have to worry about or compensate for. Unfortunately that's still a very long week away.
If I had to apply anything I've learnt from this scenario to life then I'd probably have to say this:
What you want isn't always in your practical reach...but don't let that get you down because things won't always be that way, just be realistic, know your limits and hope that any people it affects will understand your situation.
Given the number of birthdays and the holiday season coming up in the next few months (Christmas may only be in December but you just know they'll have snowmen out at Halloween) I may not have a lot of money coming my way...but I hope that I still have my friends and I hope that's not a hope that I'm keeping in vain.
-Aiden
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Boredom
Boredom: A lack of stimulation to keep the mind occupied or amused. We’ve become such an advanced race that can talk to people 3,000 miles away instantly, fly into space and even predict the future (of the weather, I mean, though not with 100% accuracy) yet we still succumb to such a primitive state and need to be entertained, almost like children. It might not be a bad thing, though. Boredom makes us seek new, different things and once upon a time did someone not say ‘variety is the spice of life?’ It seems to me that it’s a need that’s built into our psyche since the dawn of time and it makes sense once you think about it.
All around us we’re bombarded by the fantastic and the unrealistic: ‘Avatar’, ‘Harry Potter’ and even the musical stylings of Lady GaGa give us a sense of variety and unrealism to our lives. Further thinking upon this has led me to ponder something bigger though. What if the variety we crave is not variety at all but escapism? The need to be anywhere but ‘here’. Assuming that this is the case, I then pondered that perhaps deep down in our subconscious minds we all have the desire or the need, the compulsion, to run and escape from wherever we are. A good example of this is the typical teenager constantly dreaming of bigger things, the day they leave home or the day then can travel the world. They have constant thoughts, desires and dreams to escape. Just where exactly would they be escaping from or to though? It could be a plethora of things depending on the person or the situation. It could be from parents, as in the above example, or purely to be somewhere more exciting so it’s safe to think that the place and purpose changes for each person. An inquisitive mind may seek answers, a religious one may seek enlightenment and someone with a dark past may seek an escape from that.
The first thing that came to my mind was the thought that this constant desire of escapism, no matter what, is the human mind constantly trying to be away from the one thing it can’t: The World.
In a strange twist of thought the world both gives and takes away boredom as we try to both escape it and explore it. The world is finite, though, with many limitations and rules of both reality and man that bind us. Perhaps the best place to recede in these times of boredom is into ourselves, into our own minds where there are no limits, only boundaries that we ourselves place there. It is from the mind that our escapist arts of film, music, books and images stem from, brought into the real world with tricks and manipulations to make them seem real. They all came to be real but they started in the limitless, escapist reality of our minds. Further revelation now makes me think that perhaps our desire is not to escape the world but, for some at least, to transform the world and bring the unhindered world of our minds to reality.
When I set out to write this I was bored, ironically. Retreating into my mind to ponder the lack of entertainment has stirred up quite a number of different, dare I say, interesting ideas that I hope you also find interesting. For now though I must end here. My parents want me to finish writing and, in further irony, are getting bored and have decided to play cards. For those of you now thinking ‘well they’re not retreating into their minds at all’ I draw this to your notice: Without the mind giving meaning and rules to those cards then there would not be a game at all to abate boredom =)
- Aiden
All around us we’re bombarded by the fantastic and the unrealistic: ‘Avatar’, ‘Harry Potter’ and even the musical stylings of Lady GaGa give us a sense of variety and unrealism to our lives. Further thinking upon this has led me to ponder something bigger though. What if the variety we crave is not variety at all but escapism? The need to be anywhere but ‘here’. Assuming that this is the case, I then pondered that perhaps deep down in our subconscious minds we all have the desire or the need, the compulsion, to run and escape from wherever we are. A good example of this is the typical teenager constantly dreaming of bigger things, the day they leave home or the day then can travel the world. They have constant thoughts, desires and dreams to escape. Just where exactly would they be escaping from or to though? It could be a plethora of things depending on the person or the situation. It could be from parents, as in the above example, or purely to be somewhere more exciting so it’s safe to think that the place and purpose changes for each person. An inquisitive mind may seek answers, a religious one may seek enlightenment and someone with a dark past may seek an escape from that.
The first thing that came to my mind was the thought that this constant desire of escapism, no matter what, is the human mind constantly trying to be away from the one thing it can’t: The World.
In a strange twist of thought the world both gives and takes away boredom as we try to both escape it and explore it. The world is finite, though, with many limitations and rules of both reality and man that bind us. Perhaps the best place to recede in these times of boredom is into ourselves, into our own minds where there are no limits, only boundaries that we ourselves place there. It is from the mind that our escapist arts of film, music, books and images stem from, brought into the real world with tricks and manipulations to make them seem real. They all came to be real but they started in the limitless, escapist reality of our minds. Further revelation now makes me think that perhaps our desire is not to escape the world but, for some at least, to transform the world and bring the unhindered world of our minds to reality.
When I set out to write this I was bored, ironically. Retreating into my mind to ponder the lack of entertainment has stirred up quite a number of different, dare I say, interesting ideas that I hope you also find interesting. For now though I must end here. My parents want me to finish writing and, in further irony, are getting bored and have decided to play cards. For those of you now thinking ‘well they’re not retreating into their minds at all’ I draw this to your notice: Without the mind giving meaning and rules to those cards then there would not be a game at all to abate boredom =)
- Aiden
Relationships Revisited
If you’ve read a post of mine a few entries back then, I believe, it will mention a certain someone in my life that likes me and whom I like back. To update the gossips among you, we have decided to stay friends for now, though I feel that this is quickly changing and some of the conversations we’ve had as of late have led me to question relationships and my views on them.
To dive right in at the deep end we talked about sex. ‘Intercourse’, ‘shagging’, ‘the horizontal monster mash’, yes, sex. We weren’t talking about sex as if one of us had just said ‘So, Saturday night. How about it? ;)’ it wasn’t like that at all, it did come up in the conversation as a natural change of subject. I refuse to say what subject preluded it but it wasn’t anything sinister or bad. Anyway, we were talking about sex and this person said that just because we weren’t dating that sex wasn’t wrong and that it could even help. Confused, I asked how and their reply was that it could help start a proper relationship between us.
Now my view prior to this was that a relationship that started from sex would never be a lasting one and so it should not happen. I think that sex is a part of relationships…but it shouldn’t rule it and a relationship should not be purely about it. It can be nice, I admit, but my fear is that if a relationship became too focussed on it then it will ultimately amount to nothing. Afterwards, though, I started to ponder my views on relationships as well as what this person had said and I came to a few conclusions.
First, that my views on relationships weren’t necessarily ‘right’. Every person, situation and relationship is different and what works for me and one individual might be completely different to what works between me and a second individual. So I thought that perhaps having strict, set rules or views towards relationships wasn’t the best attitude. Looking at it from this point of view I managed to justify it: I’m young and I don’t know everything about relationships including what’s the best or the worst ways to start them. With that in mind how can I have strict, set views so early on? My conclusion was that I should perhaps be more easy going and open minded about these kinds of things because I’ve never experienced them before and, well, they could be good for all I know.
My second realisation was that sex wouldn’t really be the start of a relationship between the two of us. It might help to directly pinpoint when a romantic relationship ‘officially’ started but we’ve been friends for a while now, which is a form of relationship, and for the past few weeks there has been the awareness between each other of how we feel. So although sex might be a way to physically pin point when the romantic part of a relationship begins, we’ve been ‘dating’ in a way for the past few weeks since we knew of each other’s feelings and we’ve been friends that have enjoyed each other’s company for a few months before that.
I’m not under any assumptions or impressions that a relationship with this person will last forever because people and things change and I can’t predict the future (if I could I wouldn’t be writing a blog, that much I know!)… but I would always prefer a longer relationship to a shorter one and I really like this person. What’s preferable or ideal is not always an option though, so whatever happens between me and them will happen however it does. I can hope, want and wish as much as I like but only time will tell. It may amount to nothing or it may amount to something… but it seems that time will give me my answer soon enough.
- Aiden
To dive right in at the deep end we talked about sex. ‘Intercourse’, ‘shagging’, ‘the horizontal monster mash’, yes, sex. We weren’t talking about sex as if one of us had just said ‘So, Saturday night. How about it? ;)’ it wasn’t like that at all, it did come up in the conversation as a natural change of subject. I refuse to say what subject preluded it but it wasn’t anything sinister or bad. Anyway, we were talking about sex and this person said that just because we weren’t dating that sex wasn’t wrong and that it could even help. Confused, I asked how and their reply was that it could help start a proper relationship between us.
Now my view prior to this was that a relationship that started from sex would never be a lasting one and so it should not happen. I think that sex is a part of relationships…but it shouldn’t rule it and a relationship should not be purely about it. It can be nice, I admit, but my fear is that if a relationship became too focussed on it then it will ultimately amount to nothing. Afterwards, though, I started to ponder my views on relationships as well as what this person had said and I came to a few conclusions.
First, that my views on relationships weren’t necessarily ‘right’. Every person, situation and relationship is different and what works for me and one individual might be completely different to what works between me and a second individual. So I thought that perhaps having strict, set rules or views towards relationships wasn’t the best attitude. Looking at it from this point of view I managed to justify it: I’m young and I don’t know everything about relationships including what’s the best or the worst ways to start them. With that in mind how can I have strict, set views so early on? My conclusion was that I should perhaps be more easy going and open minded about these kinds of things because I’ve never experienced them before and, well, they could be good for all I know.
My second realisation was that sex wouldn’t really be the start of a relationship between the two of us. It might help to directly pinpoint when a romantic relationship ‘officially’ started but we’ve been friends for a while now, which is a form of relationship, and for the past few weeks there has been the awareness between each other of how we feel. So although sex might be a way to physically pin point when the romantic part of a relationship begins, we’ve been ‘dating’ in a way for the past few weeks since we knew of each other’s feelings and we’ve been friends that have enjoyed each other’s company for a few months before that.
I’m not under any assumptions or impressions that a relationship with this person will last forever because people and things change and I can’t predict the future (if I could I wouldn’t be writing a blog, that much I know!)… but I would always prefer a longer relationship to a shorter one and I really like this person. What’s preferable or ideal is not always an option though, so whatever happens between me and them will happen however it does. I can hope, want and wish as much as I like but only time will tell. It may amount to nothing or it may amount to something… but it seems that time will give me my answer soon enough.
- Aiden
Comfort
What is comfort? As far as I’ve been able to describe it in general terms, comfort is a feeling of neutrality or wellbeing in regards to a situation. When moving towards specifics though you soon realise that comfort is not restricted to a situation and it is not necessarily determined by how you feel but, rather, your feelings are an indicator of how comfortable you are.
For example: A man hands you a gun and tells you to shoot someone. The reason you (hopefully) would not shoot the person is because you have firm morals that tell you not to and you know it to be a bad thing and so you won’t do it. You will feel uncomfortable or negative about this situation but the reason you feel uncomfortable is because your morals disagree with the situation. Your feelings are reflecting your moral disagreement and this is uncomforting for you.
From this example we can take that morals are one deciding factor on comfort, right? Other factors I’ve found to affect comfort are obvious, expected things such as the feeling of things around you and conversations or imagery but there are some more subtle things that affect comfort such as mental outlook and health. What made me receptive to noticing these things is because, lately, I’ve been having trouble sleeping and I’ve found the entire ritual of sleep very uncomfortable and sleep to be quite distressful. The reason for this is that I realised not too long ago that I’d been having a recurring dream. It does not happen every night but it happens occasionally and it’s a dream that reflects my subconscious, I feel, or it coincidentally reflects some fears and insecurities I’ve had for quite some time now.
In this situation I’m feeling uncomfortable with sleep because it has given me bad experiences and I don’t want to undergo them once more, so fear here is a subtle factor for comfort. After this realisation I began to look out for more ‘factors’ of comfort and determined some of the aforementioned few.
For the curious among you, by the way, my dream is waking up covered in deep purple stretch marks all over my body. This is horrific, for me, because I can recall when I was younger and fatter and I wasn’t really aware of my body in the slightest…but then one day I noticed some stretch marks on my hips but didn’t think anything of it. When I got back from a two week holiday I looked at them again and they had gotten bigger, as had I, and there was a long, deep, purple mark on the lower part of my stomach. The feeling of embarrassment and shame for letting my gluttony consume me as it had will never leave me and, if I ever feel like I’ve gained weight, I still look at myself to check that I don’t have any. So it’s safe to say I have a few body issues, that’s true, but I had never considered it to be deep set enough to manifest itself as a recurring dream and it’s only when I realised it was a recurring dream that sleep began to scare me.
Relating all of my digression back to comfort, though, my discomfort with sleep will probably not go away completely until I’ve dealt with those underlying issues that are causing it. I suppose a good first step to doing that is actually admitting the problem I have: I have a recurring dream brought on by body issues. How I can deal with it after this, though, is not going to be as easy and I’m not entirely sure how I might do it. There’s only one way to do it though and that’s to try. So try, I will.
- Aiden
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