Jeremy

I miss you, I can't help it, even if we are mad at each other and probably won't talk for a good while. I never thought that things would turn out this way, not for one bit... I wasn't under the genuine impression that we'd last forever, no, I 'hoped' that we'd last for a long time, but young relationships rarely flourish into something long term. Putting the actual breakup aside, though, I still never thought it would get to the point where I couldn't physically bring myself to talk to you. What you said to me hurt, it really did, and I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I had to say it... if for not for myself and so I could get closure to everything, then for you, so that you know for future relationships.

Tonight, I thought, I had honest people that spoke to me and I had time. Your cuddles, your kisses, the cute smile you make but never show in pictures, the 'retard pacman' you made me be because you thought it was cute... our relationship wasn't all bad, I know it wasn't, and we had a lot of good times and good memories. The first time you stayed over at mine- I fell back into you and I was just laid there looking at you before I said 'I still like you'-, when you announced that we were together at that party- 'I'm going out with Aiden and I love him'- we did have good times and there were times when I was happy, I can't, won't and haven't denied that because I know it's true.

At the same time, though, it wasn't all good. I think I was more unhappy than I should've been, admittedly at times by my own doing. Times when you wouldn't reply to my messages or leave it until just after I got annoyed with you- it seemed to happen too often to be coincidence-, the bare minimum you'd do- not reciprocating feelings unless I asked why you didn't, not doing certain things until I pointed out that you didn't do them...and then, after that, you'd go back to not doing them- and a few other things. Whether you consciously realised it or not, you didn't treat me as I should've been treated and I tried to make you see that nicely while we were dating because, honestly, if I could have everything I wanted then I'd still want to be dating you and for both of us to be happy.

You say you warned me that you were bad in relationships, something I don't recall but I'll take your word for it... it doesn't mean that you shouldn't say 'sorry' for it and, really, that's the one thing I wanted when I even brought the subject up the other day: I just wanted a genuine apology from you.

I cared for you so much, Jeremy.

I cooked, cleaned, tidied, defended, groomed (not in a paedophilic way), cared, treated, cuddled, kissed and put my absolute everything into our relationship because I felt that strongly about it. After a lot of difficult and emotionally conflicted thinking, I reluctantly came to the choice of staying with you and decided that I shouldn't... not because I didn't care for you, because I still do, but because I didn't think you treated me right. There was a reason why I didn't just break up with you that morning, there was a reason I woke you up, cuddled and kissed you to death and then asked you to sit up: I cared. I knew, or thought, that I'd hurt you, and I didn't like that, and I still don't... but I couldn't help it.

And now it's come to this. I want to be friends but I don't want you to think that things were perfect between us, I want you to know what it was really like for me because there's a lot that I hid from you. I want you to know because you deserve to know the truth, because I should be able to tell you the truth, so it can help you with future relationships, so it could make any possibly friendship we had that much stronger for working through it... not a single part of me thought that it would blow over without a single harsh word exchanged but, at the same time, not a single part of me would think it would lead to what it did.

Blocked, rants, those messages, what happened at the Chinese, how I feel, I didn't want any of that when I opened up to you.

I still miss your arms around me and when you'd kiss my nose... I miss you, Jeremy.