Jeremy

I miss you, I can't help it, even if we are mad at each other and probably won't talk for a good while. I never thought that things would turn out this way, not for one bit... I wasn't under the genuine impression that we'd last forever, no, I 'hoped' that we'd last for a long time, but young relationships rarely flourish into something long term. Putting the actual breakup aside, though, I still never thought it would get to the point where I couldn't physically bring myself to talk to you. What you said to me hurt, it really did, and I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I had to say it... if for not for myself and so I could get closure to everything, then for you, so that you know for future relationships.

Tonight, I thought, I had honest people that spoke to me and I had time. Your cuddles, your kisses, the cute smile you make but never show in pictures, the 'retard pacman' you made me be because you thought it was cute... our relationship wasn't all bad, I know it wasn't, and we had a lot of good times and good memories. The first time you stayed over at mine- I fell back into you and I was just laid there looking at you before I said 'I still like you'-, when you announced that we were together at that party- 'I'm going out with Aiden and I love him'- we did have good times and there were times when I was happy, I can't, won't and haven't denied that because I know it's true.

At the same time, though, it wasn't all good. I think I was more unhappy than I should've been, admittedly at times by my own doing. Times when you wouldn't reply to my messages or leave it until just after I got annoyed with you- it seemed to happen too often to be coincidence-, the bare minimum you'd do- not reciprocating feelings unless I asked why you didn't, not doing certain things until I pointed out that you didn't do them...and then, after that, you'd go back to not doing them- and a few other things. Whether you consciously realised it or not, you didn't treat me as I should've been treated and I tried to make you see that nicely while we were dating because, honestly, if I could have everything I wanted then I'd still want to be dating you and for both of us to be happy.

You say you warned me that you were bad in relationships, something I don't recall but I'll take your word for it... it doesn't mean that you shouldn't say 'sorry' for it and, really, that's the one thing I wanted when I even brought the subject up the other day: I just wanted a genuine apology from you.

I cared for you so much, Jeremy.

I cooked, cleaned, tidied, defended, groomed (not in a paedophilic way), cared, treated, cuddled, kissed and put my absolute everything into our relationship because I felt that strongly about it. After a lot of difficult and emotionally conflicted thinking, I reluctantly came to the choice of staying with you and decided that I shouldn't... not because I didn't care for you, because I still do, but because I didn't think you treated me right. There was a reason why I didn't just break up with you that morning, there was a reason I woke you up, cuddled and kissed you to death and then asked you to sit up: I cared. I knew, or thought, that I'd hurt you, and I didn't like that, and I still don't... but I couldn't help it.

And now it's come to this. I want to be friends but I don't want you to think that things were perfect between us, I want you to know what it was really like for me because there's a lot that I hid from you. I want you to know because you deserve to know the truth, because I should be able to tell you the truth, so it can help you with future relationships, so it could make any possibly friendship we had that much stronger for working through it... not a single part of me thought that it would blow over without a single harsh word exchanged but, at the same time, not a single part of me would think it would lead to what it did.

Blocked, rants, those messages, what happened at the Chinese, how I feel, I didn't want any of that when I opened up to you.

I still miss your arms around me and when you'd kiss my nose... I miss you, Jeremy.

Born This Way Review [Working Title Article]

I originally wrote this article to be published in my college's new magazine, Working Title, but the Editor felt that a paragraph (change to italic writing in this post, in case anyone's interested) could be cut out to make it shorter. This review was written about a month ago now but I've decided to post it on here (with a picture of my article's mock-up!) so that people can read the full thing, even though the amount taken out wasn't extensive.

The latest album from the meat-wearing powerhouse of pop, Lady Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ was released on the 23^rd of May worldwide and, needless to say (especially for those who know me) I made sure I bought it the very day it came out and, honestly, I was very far from disappointed.

Starting with the most obvious thing, the cover art, we see Gaga depicted as half human, half motorcycle and not quite in the same way as Beyoncé was a few years ago, we’re talking about the full body works with her head between the handlebars. Quite unusual indeed but, really, what else did you expect from the woman who wears lobster hats and Kermit the frog? Jokes aside, though, this cover perfectly represents one of the ideas that the album should be listened with: Live constantly between reality and fantasy. With that in mind I put the CD in, turned the volume up and entered a world of unicorns, motorcycles and high fashion.

The first thing I noted about the album, overall, after listening to it was that Gaga’s vocals are- for the most part- more natural, raw and untouched than her previous albums, something that makes the songs feel a lot more powerful and dramatic. Something else about the album that I noticed was that, unlike her previous work where the songs could be easily classified into ‘ballads’, ‘pop’, ‘dance’, ‘acoustic’ etc., the songs on Born This Way have very mixed genres. Distinct elements of rock (quite a lot, actually) are present alongside dance beats, classical instruments, jazz solos, mariachi bands, electro-pop themes; the entire album is this conglomeration of many different genres that, on paper, shouldn’t really work together at all…and yet, somehow, they all fit together and compliment each other extremely well on Born This Way.

The opening song, Marry The Night, makes a good introduction to the entire album. It starts off with a slow build up of dance layers with simple vocals before suddenly breaking out into a huge chorus, complete with traditional Gaga hooks and subtle guitar parts mixed in with heavy bass beats. Most of the songs on Born This Way carry out in the same format in that there’s a gradual build up to a spectacular chorus with the ‘sledge-hammering beats’ that the Lady herself promised there would be. The songs themselves all have different themes to them as well ranging from Religion (always controversial but- not forgetting- a big part of any part-Italian Catholic’s life) which is a theme in songs like Born This Way, Judas and Bloody Mary, to Identity (Bad Kids, Hair, Born This Way) and Equality (Americano and Scheiße).

The whole album is a lot darker and different than anything that Gaga has released previously, I felt, and the songs themselves are hugely symbolic and interpretive of, not just the world around us right now, but this idea that throughout life you can be reborn and constantly change until you’re comfortable with yourself. A great listen and fantastic food for thought, Born This Way is an album I’d recommend to anyone without a doubt, its hybrid genres and infectious lyrics make its audience practically universal and at a very affordable price. Don’t just take my word for it, though, experience the ‘cultural baptism’ that’s taken over the world for yourself, I can assure you that you won’t be disappointed.