Fear

It spreads through your body quickly or slowly, never in between. Like an ice cube in your stomach, it radiates a cold numbness through your entire body, creating a lump at the back of your throat and a sense of vertigo; everything spinning around you despite not moving at all. As if it were happening to someone else, you seem to leave your body, hovering between one being and another as the reality-ironically, given your sense of escapism- sets in your mind. Maybe the reason your perspective on the world changes is because you don't want to accept the reality of your situation? Point aside, it's a feeling that I've become far too familiar with in the past few months, to the point where I can articulate it all too well, as previously done.

What's causing my fear right now, I'm afraid, I'm not at liberty to discuss. In my own self pitying cloud of fearful sadness, though, I sat alone in my room and thought about what had made me become so fearful and why, exactly, it was happening. Admittedly, in the past, I've been far from saintly and have, as I'm sure everyone has, done things that I'm far less than proud of...but does that mean I have to pay the consequences and sit in fear for an undefined amount of time until something, again, bad happens that makes me suffer again? I may not be the injured party in what I've had a hand in and I'm aware of that...but when does it stop? Where's the line that says 'Enough is enough, you've paid your dues'? Personally, I think I've at least met that line and, with what I've found out, could end up far beyond it.

Retribution is a strange thing though. Whether you've paid for what you've done or not depends entirely on who you ask and, for some, the debt may never be repaid whereas, for others, it may have been made up for a long time ago. In my own life, I try to apply a 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' policy, so I usually try to be lenient with people. One person can never truly understand how remorseful another is (or isn't, as the case may be) over a situation, but I like to have faith in people and- even if they've done wrong to me- try to see the best. That may be slightly naive of me...and I'd have to agree, but I think that everyone deserves the chance to do right by something they've done wrong...even if it turns out that they don't want to do right by it.

What does all this mean about my fear though? I'm not quite sure...this blog was mainly just a way to get down my thoughts and feelings. I don't know if anyone properly reads these, but it's when I feel like this that I just want help. Just a few years ago things were so easy, there were no fears of this magnitude, of the kind that I have now, that's the innocence of youth that we all lose eventually: That the world actually becomes dangerous. After a while, there's no-one to protect us, no-one to stop us making the mistakes that bring fear-inspiring danger to our doorsteps. It's to combat this, perhaps, that my naive mind decides to be so forgiving to others...in the hope that maybe someone will extend the same favour back to me. Call it what you will, stupidity, hope, all I know is that it's the one thing- sometimes- that keeps me going: The thought that someone out there might offer the same leniency towards me.